So what is self-care anyway?

Recently when commenting on a post by Neurodivergent_Researcher about ‘typical’ self-care not working for them, I realised how strongly I feel about the individuality of self-care and wanted to explore my thoughts further.

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Key point:

Self-care is whatever you want it to be. What works for you. What is actually doable and possible in your life.

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Self-care as it is often marketed is inaccessible to so many people – because, of time, responsibilities, sensory preferences, chronic conditions, money, location, critical self-talk etc. etc. Even looking for stock photos with the search term ‘self-care’ all I get are bubble baths, people sitting cross legged on mountaintops, or books and cups of tea. And there’s nothing wrong with any of those things, but there’s so much more nuance to self-care than that.

If I take a bath I need support to get out of it as my blood pressure goes nuts. Pain lessens but fatigue increases.

Not everyone can afford to (or wants to) go to a yoga class.

Sure I’ll go for a massage once every 6 months as that’s all I can afford. And for some people massage is not possible due to trauma histories or sensory sensitivities.

Sometimes my brain tells me I don’t deserve to look after myself or give myself care and that makes it harder to do even the smallest amount of self-care.

I’d like to change the conversation about self-care. Forget the ‘standard’ things, think about what gives you some downtime, zone out time, a rest space, space to recharge, refuel – whatever words fit for you. What kinds of things do you think of when you use the word self-care? Maybe there are other words that work better for you.

We need to stop pushing unattainable standards of self-care on people that create cycles of shame and guilt for ‘not doing enough’. You are enough and are doing the best you can with the resources you have.

Self-care is whatever you want it to be. What works for you? What is actually doable and possible in your life? And this may shift and change day to day or week to week. Just because your self-care looks different to someone else’s, doesn’t mean it’s any less valid. We all have such individual needs in other areas – let’s bring that into how we talk about self-care as well.

What do you need to add in, or take out, of your life to have more care for yourself? Sometimes we are doing too much of something and self-care is about reducing our workload – e.g. I only work part time as part of my self-care (and I know I am privileged to have low living costs and be able to do this). It can also be reducing sensory input, like wearing earplugs, working from home or having time in bed under a weighted blanket with the curtains shut. Other times it’s about adding something in. Self-care for me could be going for a walk or swim, cuddling my dog, or playing board games. We all have different needs for self-care that are absolutely valid. We aren’t failing if we don’t do the ‘expected’ forms of self-care (who even set up what’s expected anyway?!)

Not everyone has an hour to have a bubble bath, massage, go to a class – not everyone can or wants to do any of these things either and that’s ok. It’s also ok if you do like to do these things!

Maybe you’ve only got 5 minutes, or 1 minute, what do you do then? Could you take a couple of deep breaths? Tune into the sounds around you? Savour eating something you really enjoy? This is all self-care too and these micro moments are just as important as some of the bigger things. We can care for ourselves and our needs in small doses throughout each day (more on this below).

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Remember self-care isn’t all about luxury or calming and soothing things, it’s also about taking your meds, booking that appointment, remembering to eat and drink, taking out the rubbish.

Breaking It Down - Creating Categories and Developing Ideas

What if we broke self-care down into categories? For example: mental, emotional, physical, spiritual. We need to support different parts of our being. If all of our self-care is focused into only one area, what about the others?

Image description: A mindmap with teal bubbles on a pink backgroun with some stars and leaves. The centre bubble says: different types of self-care (a very small number of examples in what could be a never-ending list that will be different for everyone. Text in the other bubbles says: mental (mindfulness, grounding, seeing a therapist, self-compassion, taking a break), emotional (connecting with a pet or person, snuggling up under a blanket with a movie and snacks, saying no, setting boundaries), physical (eating and drinking, attending appointments, medication/supplements, movement, sleep), spiritual (nature connection, exploring your values, mindfulness, prayer).

The importance of language

How do you think about self-care tasks? Notice your language. If you say something like:

- “I should have a shower”.

How does that feel in your body? Does your posture slump and does the task feel harder? What if you changed it to something along the lines of:

- “I’d really like to shower today” or

- “A shower might be too much today, I’m going to wash my face and change my clothes instead”.

Does that feel different in your body?

Pay attention to your self-talk while doing self-care tasks. Recently I caught myself getting stuck in thoughts like:

- “It’s too hard, I can’t manage it”

when going for a short walk and that was negatively impacting my experience while walking and making it harder to even want to move my body. I tried changing it to:

- “I’ll just do something for one minute, I can manage a little bit, things are feeling really tough right now and I know this will help in the long run. I can turn around and come home whenever I like.”

This brought in more self-compassion and less shame and changed the whole experience. Sometimes maybe your self-care is about having self-compassion for not being able to do the things you want to do.

What is the smallest amount that is possible given your energy on any given day?

Maybe it’s helpful to create your own list of ideas for a difficult day vs. A day with more energy (see example ideas below)

Image description: a grey background with brown text and some leaves. Inside a blue circle it says ‘ideas for self-care on a…’. There are 3 columns. The first column says ‘ difficult day’ with a picture of an empty battery, then ‘could look like doing a couple of the following: Change your clothes, Wash your face, Eat something easy, Take your meds, Drink some water, Take some slow deep breaths, Self-compassion’. The second column says ‘day with some energy’ with a picture of a half full battery, then ‘Tidy one area in your house, Water the plants, Sit outside, Gentle movement, Journal/colour/craft, Going out somewhere familiar, Tick something small off your to-do list’. The third column says ‘day with more energy’ with a picture of a full battery, then ‘Shower, Connect with someone, Go for a walk, Gardening, Do some bulk cooking, Craft activity, Board game, Going out somewhere new, Take a step towards a bigger long-term goal.’ At the very top is a box with a note that says ‘None of these suggestions are prescriptive, we all have different needs. Creating a list of things that work for you on different days takes out the added energy needed to generate ideas all the time.’

Maybe it’s helpful to break self-care down into things you do daily, weekly, monthly, yearly:

Image description: A mindmap with grey bubbles on a blue background with stars and leaves. The central bubble says ‘Frequency of self-care tasks (this will look different for everyone). The other bubbles say ‘daily (brushing teeth - hopefully, medication/supplements, meditation and sleep, food and drink, pacing), weekly (getting outside, moving my body, connecting with someone, laundry), monthly (seeing a therapist, physio session, change the sheets, rotating cleaning tasks), yearly (setting goals, going on a holiday/taking time off, GP checkup.’

Or have a list of 1-5 minute activities and a list of longer activities, for example:

Image description: A cream background with leaves. A pink oval says ‘ideas for self-care tasks that take…’. There are 3 columns with lists of activity ideas. Column 1: ‘1-5 minutes’ with a picture of a stopwatch with speed lines, activity ideas: Take some slow deep breaths, Notice the sights, sounds, smells and textures around you, Brush your teeth, Message a friend, Wash your face, Do one stretch, Touch something soothing. Column 2: ‘10-20 minutes’ with a picture of a red clock, activity ideas: Prepare and eat a snack, Shower, Move your body in some way, Tidy something away, Read (physical book or audiobook), Rest under a weighted blanket, Sit or lie down somewhere in nature. Column 3: ‘40-60 minutes’ with a picture of a clock with an arrow around the outside, activity ideas: Connect with someone, Go for a longer walk, Board game, Go out for a meal, Take the dog out, Bake something, Watch an episode or listen to a podcast, Go for a drive, Craft activity. At the bottom a brown box says ‘None of these ideas is prescriptive, we all have different needs. Creating a list of things you know work for you takes out the added step of needing to generate ideas.’

None of these ideas is prescriptive, they are examples based on my experience. We all have different needs.

Creating a list of things you know work for you takes out the added step and energy drain of needing to generate ideas every time.

You could even assign an item to a number and roll a dice to put the decision in the hands of fate.

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To put my occupational therapy hat on for a minute:

Performance of any task is influenced by a combination of the occupation (activity) itself, the characteristics of the person and the environment. When looking at self-care like this we can think about whether there are barriers or facilitators in any one (or all) of these 3 areas – person, environment or occupation – that make engaging in self-care activities easier or more difficult.

• Does the person know what they need to do?

• Do they have the executive functioning skills to sequence and carry out the task?

• Do they actually want to engage in that kind of self-care, is it important to them?

• Does the task carry some meaning or link to their values or bigger goals?

• Do they have the personal resources, space, time?

• Does the task need to be broken down into manageable chunks?

• Is the environment set up to support engagement e.g. visual reminders, resources available, money, time, cultural value of self-care?

Image description: an infographic with black writing on a blue background. Heading reads ‘the ability to perform self-care (or other) tasks comes from a complex interaction of:’, text below heading from left to right says ‘who you are’ with an outline of a person in a circle, ‘what the task is’ with pictures of a computer, plant, shower, weight, hammock and briefcase, ‘and the environment you do it in’ with an image of a half circle with a house, mountain and trees.

I’ve been listening to the audiobook of How to Keep House While Drowning and really love how she breaks care tasks down, talks about letting go of others’ expectations and doing what works for you. We need more of this kind of messaging out there to combat the ever growing avalanche of ‘you’re not good enough’ and ‘you’re doing doing enough’ energy.

It’s never as simple as ‘just do it’, self-care tasks can involve some really complex cognitive processes and it’s ok to need support. Is there something you can outsource to someone else so you have the energy to do something more meaningful? Can you distribute tasks or chores completely or partially so that they are more even? Or if this isn’t possible, figure out the bare minimum you can do, go with that and that is absolutely enough. You are enough!

Final thoughts

It’s not often talked about, but there can be a dark side to self-care too. Are you using it to distract or avoid things that actually need some action and is this happening continually and getting in the way of your goals? Yes we need self-care and looking after ourselves and ideally we have time and space to do that, however, when it is overused it can be destructive too.

You may have started looking on Facebook with the intention of replying to some messages and checking in for 15 minutes, but you’re still there 2 hours later, need to pee and have sore muscles. This can be a check in point to make a choice. Absolutely no judgement here about how long someone does an activity, it’s the mindfulness and choice that are important. You may absolutely decide to keep doing what you’re doing and if that suits you go for it! Do you want to watch another episode, or would you rather get outside or get something to eat? See if you can tune in to yourself - and of course this isn’t always an easy thing to do.

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Again self-care is so individual, only you know what suits at any given time. Others can give suggestions and put supports in place, but the choice should still be yours to make.

Look after yourself in the ways that work for your unique set of circumstances.

[Note: nothing in this blog is intended to be therapy advice. If you need support to develop individual strategies around self-care please reach out to an occupational therapist or other health professional.]